Miscarriage — Breaking Our Silence
October the 9th-15th is baby loss awareness week and today Sunny and I join the global wave of light with all bereaved parents to commemorate all the babies who sadly died too soon. Today, we also open up and share our story with you all. The toughest years of our life.
Since 2017, October has become a significant month for us. It’s a time where we sit and reflect on the past few years and everything we have gone through.
It’s a time where we pray for all the other women/men/families who have or are experiencing a loss and hope that God gives them strength to get through this heartbreaking and pain wrenching time. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like having to attend appointments alone during this pandemic.
2017, a few days after celebrating Christmas with my family, we came back home. I was feeling rather lethargic and under the weather. I had also come to realise that I’d missed my period so I decided to take a pregnancy test. We were so excited to say the least. We had yearned this for several years and were ecstatic to finally see two red lines. Like every other woman I didn’t believe the results of the first test I did and so to be sure I bought several more tests. We found out that I was 8 weeks and so as we didn’t have long to go until our first trimester was complete we decided we would announce our news to the family once we’d had our 12 week scan.
Sadly at 11 weeks I started to miscarry, a day we will never forget. I often sit down and think about how the days events unfolded. Telling your parents that you are pregnant but at the same time you are losing the baby. It was one of the hardest things we’ve had to do. Until that day, miscarriage was something that we’d never even thought about. We were so naive to think we would have a plain sailing pregnancy. It’s one of those things that you always hear about and don’t pay much attention to because you think it will never happen to you, until it does.
1 in every 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. That’s a whopping 25%. Even though miscarriage is extremely common it’s a very taboo topic. This is something that is slowly but surely changing and as part of this movement we decided to step up and speak about our experience too.
There are so many emotions you feel when you suffer a loss; grief, sadness, loneliness, heartache, anger, guilt, shame, resentment and jealousy to name a few. I felt all of these and absolutely hated myself. I saw myself as a failure and blamed myself, thinking why is my body letting me down? Is it something I’ve done? I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to give my husband a baby.
At first I couldn’t open up to anyone and it’s as though I lived two different lives. One where I would go to work and pretend as though nothing had happened and secondly where I would come home from work, climb into bed and cry for hours and hours.
After weeks of depression, I told myself that I had to pull myself together. I was the only person who could help me, I had to be a strong person and that I shouldn’t give up now. There are people who go through so much more and show resilience and strength so why can’t I pick myself up, fight this feeling and change how I feel?
It was at that point that I was determined to turn all my negative thoughts into positive ones. I joined forums, openly spoke to my friends about it whilst educating them, made new friends and seeked comfort from my nearest and dearest. I organised a charity event to raise both money and awareness and it actually put a smile on my face knowing I was helping raise money for such a good cause.
Once I started talking openly about my experience I found this topic was even closer to home than i’d imagined as I found out people we knew had suffered like us.
If there is anything I learnt it is that opening up and talking about my losses made me a stronger person. It may not seem important to everyone, but to us, our babies existed even if for a short time and acknowledging their existence gave us comfort. Sunny and I, like any other parents, had imagined and spoke about what our lives would be like once our baby was born, how our baby would look and how much we would spoil them. I had naturally made a connection, a bond so strong. It’s crazy how you can fall in love with your baby without even meeting them.
Losing a loved one no matter what age they are is just as devastating as losing a baby, however conversations about miscarriage and infant loss can be awkward as people just don’t know what to say. Unknowingly people say the wrong thing and can cause further upset and anger to a person who is already grieving. This is another reason as to why miscarriage should be spoken about more. It educates people on how to approach the topic. Sometimes all the person needs is someone to listen to them, hand them tissues and give them a hug.
One thing that I feel strongly about and that needs to change is recognition that both parents are grieving. Why is it that people only acknowledge the mother? Just because the father didn’t carry the child it doesn’t mean he loved it any less. He will also grieve as much as the mother does, but he will do it silently as he feels he needs to remain strong for his partner.
A study published in the Journal of Women’s Health revealed that 40% of men surveyed experienced a strong sense of vulnerability and felt powerless to help their partner after a loss.
For anyone who has suffered a loss, I want you to know that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to mourn the loss of your baby for as long as you want and it’s okay to grieve how you want.
It’s already such an emotional, upsetting time and come February 2019 we had completely lost hope. Why? Because at this point we’d had a total of three losses. After having three consecutive losses, you are someone who is known to have suffered recurrent miscarriages. “Recurrent miscarriages affect 1% of couples trying to conceive. After two consecutive miscarriages the risk of another is up to 25%, but after three it goes up to between 25–46%” - Dr Pavan Minhas.
November 2019 was when we found out I was expecting. A rollercoaster of emotions, happy, excited, scared and anxious. Will I miscarry again? We don’t have the strength to go through this again. How will I ever get through this pregnancy? Every time I felt something new, I would associate it with something negative.
I kept my barrier up and avoided getting attached to my baby. Negative thoughts would always consume my mind. I now look back and wish I hadn’t done this. Towards the end of my second trimester I started to gain confidence that this time round I would get to meet my baby. I was excited and positive but felt I had spent most of my pregnancy worrying. It was at this point we decided that we were ready to share our news with everyone.
2020 hasn’t exactly been a great year but for us regardless of the restrictions put in place due to Covid-19, I was pregnant and we were counting the days down until we met our son. I was happy and finally starting to enjoy the pregnancy but being pregnant during a pandemic was something I’d never even imagined. A time where I needed and wanted to see my family and friends, be reassured and show off my bump I was so proud of. It was actually the first time in my life I was confident about my body!
To all the women who gave birth or are pregnant during this pandemic, I salute you. It has robbed us of so much and put a massive strain on our mental health but we have all shown just how resilient and strong we really are.
Fast forward to July 2020, I gave birth to our beautiful rainbow baby Shivai and what a gem he is. He makes us complete and we are absolutely besotted with him. Blessed that god gave us a healthy baby. What more can we ask for?
I am and always will feel blessed that Shivai came into our world and even though Sunny and I are the happiest we’ve ever been, it hasn’t lessened the pain of our losses nor is it something that will ever be erased. I guess you just learn to live with it. It will always be a part of us and who we are.
One thing I would like to mention is that throughout all of this, my hubby was my rock, my shoulder to cry on and my friend in need. Yes we had our ups and downs, anyone in our situation would rightly so, but he remained strong for me. That’s something I will never forget. The last few years have really tested our relationship and if we can get through years of heartache, stress and frustration we can get through anything!
I truly hope that from what we have shared it will provide at least one person with strength and hope.
As someone who has experienced this first hand I want people to realise that it’s not okay to ask someone when they are going to have kids. It’s not okay at all! You don’t know what they’re going through or what they have already endured and most importantly it’s no one else’s business.
It’s taught me exactly that, that everyone is working through their own battles, so don’t be too quick to judge.
This is just a snippet of our experience. If anyone wants to know more or needs someone to talk to, please reach out. Please share this post to raise awareness to remove the stigma around baby and infant loss.
Here’s to remembering our three angels. We think about you all the time and miss you so very much!
